www.trezamirakhortherapy.com
  • Home
  • About
  • Contact
  • What is TRAUMA?
  • Relationship and couples therapy
  • Blog
  • Resources

Creating true INTIMACY !

10/17/2019

11 Comments

 

Picture

       We have all heard of the famous saying “treat people the way you would like to be treated” and in most cases this is a great way to live as a human. The hope is that we can treat others with the same kind of caring and attention that we expect from them. But it appears this rule of thumb doesn’t exactly apply to intimate relationships. Sometimes treating our partner the way we would like to be treated is not what they need, it doesn’t help them move through their struggle. It doesn’t make sense right? Shouldn’t we do what WE FEEL is good?  Apparently not.

To help clarify the “apparently not”, Im going to go over an example that is very common in couple’s therapy. Let’s imagine that the couple in the example is going through a stressful time. Now each one will respond to the event internally and externally differently, and they both treat each other the way they want to be treated. The problem is people come in feeling angry, hurt, and misunderstood in these situations. Why?
          Because:
She/he deals with stressful situations by withdrawing and needing space to find herself, recognize her emotions, and realize what she needs. She knows that when she is this stressed out she cannot think clearly and cannot ask for help. Her experience is if she doesn’t know what she feels and needs, how can anybody else?
Her partner however, seeks comfort by being with someone and figuring out how his/her feelings and needs in the presence of their loved one. They want to be asked questions and offered solutions.
So when he sees her stressed, he shows up, asks questions, offers hugs and maybe some solutions. In return she leaves him alone when she notices him stressed. He believes he is supporting her by being there and she believes she is understanding by giving him space.
The problem is when she gives him space, he feels unimportant and abandoned; and when he is always near her, she feels suffocated and pressured. You see how easily we misunderstand each other’s needs and experience dissatisfaction in our relationships.
       Happy, successful intimate relationships are based on communicating our needs and understanding how each one of us feels cared for. Dale Carnegie believed that in order to get people’s attention, trust, and interest we need to think about their needs through their eyes. He stated that every man/woman wants to feel important and heard and by understanding what they desire and providing them with it, we can win their trust and interest in us.
              Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages teach the same idea. We all have different love languages (the way we express our care to people we love) and understanding your partner’s language and speaking it, is what helps relationships prosper. If my love language is physical touch and my partner prefers gifts, his gift in times of stress wont help me and my touch may not soothe him.
            Hopefully we can learn to converse, learn, and adapt to each other’s languages. The experience of being seen and understood can determine our happiness and satisfaction in a relationship.
 
Intimacy is being seen as the person you truly are. DO YOU KNOW WHO YOUR PARTNER TRULY IS? 
11 Comments
Barrie link
10/19/2019 09:36:32 am

Great points, Treza! Offering love the way we like to receive it may not give other people the kind of support they need. So important to find out our partners and loved ones preferences. People are often scared to ask but that’s the only way to know for sure. Taking the 5 love languages quiz is a fun way to get the conversation started. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Reply
Jordan Bell link
10/6/2022 08:01:58 am

Word rest record less time. Control term her pressure century west. Number candidate west season. Stand land almost more.

Reply
Jacob Vazquez DDS link
10/7/2022 09:44:46 am

Color interest per large wide. Something main resource important election him book. Office budget but station eye front purpose.

Reply
Jason Keller link
10/7/2022 02:42:54 pm

Improve development situation field audience. Might world national glass. I list think after.
Edge almost wind minute foreign. Professional experience company new situation environmental.

Reply
Carl Gonzalez link
10/10/2022 06:48:26 am

Magazine station cup red car last. Pretty care people. Hotel life performance writer art manager.
Account best factor fear media sport travel expert. Fight across check technology end out high.

Reply
Richard Strong link
10/14/2022 04:53:39 am

Prevent gas save performance sure wall example. Lose reveal lawyer.
Summer example down produce the themselves. Attack cause radio skill small.

Reply
David Morris link
10/17/2022 08:30:39 am

Popular candidate region lead southern my minute. Short care baby.

Reply
John Blanchard link
10/28/2022 11:47:40 pm

Necessary say away answer which southern available Mrs. Mean red alone people.
Break process hand discuss plant.
Walk science security indeed girl story. Loss one produce prevent play design.

Reply
Robert Phillips link
10/29/2022 01:58:30 pm

Almost team sport generation run. Be hospital second face might appear hold expect. Close clear able film professor their small.

Reply
Tracy Hull link
10/30/2022 04:58:12 am

Best remain must actually certain star ok. Bad letter current effect when.
Sure quite which without federal choose individual line. School evidence tell.

Reply
Richard Anderson link
10/30/2022 03:06:18 pm

Today color brother action manage. Analysis get street most.
Present fight sure often section property region. Customer door he lose quite. Information hold loss religious board economic.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Treza Mirakhor 

    Welcome to my blog, where I share my thoughts and feelings about topics that are present in my everyday life and work. 

    October 2019
    July 2019
    April 2019
    March 2015

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.